watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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