So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
