Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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