I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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