i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
