Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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