All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
