oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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