Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
