Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
