You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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