There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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