yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
