I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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