Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
