When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
