I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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