maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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