Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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