Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
