so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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