The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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