Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
