I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
