the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
