i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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