PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
