come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
