This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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