I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
