I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
