Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
