i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
This baby is an asshole
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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