I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he fucked my hip out of place.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
