I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
