Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Fuck me I smell like cheese
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
