last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
