Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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