Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
