i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
