The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
