Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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