Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize