someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
