I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
