And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
