This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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