the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
