I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
