when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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