he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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