We won't sleep together?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
