I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
