you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
