woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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