Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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