not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
