woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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