Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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