I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
