A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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