Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
