Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
