I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
