with your own penis?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
