he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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