Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
