Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
