I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
