Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
